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Bakla Bakla, Paano ka Nagawa?

To tell you guys frankly, I can't tell to myself that I am a bisexual, or worst to think that I am gay. But pondering on it, a sort of attraction to man and desiring even the smallest part of him that seems to be worth having makes me the former. The thing that most of people with deficiencies or incongruence want to secure is acceptance. Probably yes, to some it helps. In to what direction acceptance could send you will be subjective: to some, taking the path of being bisexual will lead you to happiness and completeness, but for me detouring to other side makes me whole and gratified.
Marami nang silahis o bading na nagsabi na kung pamimiliin siya kung babae o lalaki ang kasarian niya kung ipapanganak uli sila, pagiging babae ang nangunguna. Ilan lang ang narinig ko na pagiging lalaki pa rin. Everyday when I lift my prayers, 3 consistent petitions are on the list: good health for me and my family, to be man, and to find the right girl for me. I  may sometimes shuffled them up, pero un pa rin ang tema. Ang pagiging tunay na lalaki sa isip at sa puso marahil ang pinakamahirap na makamit. Pero lahat naman tayo may mga bagay sa buhay na gustong makuha, ung iba suntok sa buwan, at lahat tayo natututong magdasal sa kabila nito. Kung ung iba nalulungkot dahil hindi sila matanggap ng family or sa school niya na he had that trait, ako naranasan ko na rin ang umiyak kasi pakiramdam ko kulang ang lahat nang ginagawa ko para maging ganap ang pagiging lalaki ko. some would not agree on this but I can confess because i experienced this. Tanong din ng iba: dahil  ba sa ganito ako kaya nanilip ako ng classmate ko habang umiihi, hinipuan ko ang kasama during camping, magmasturbate enjoying their nude images, o hubaran sila sa aking imahinasyon. Masarap oo nga. Iba kasi ung tama kapag kauri ung pinapantasya. Pero kapag nilabasan ka na, kapag napansin mong nawawala na sila sa iyo, kapag hindi mo na makita ang purpose mo bilang lalaki, o kapag natatakot ka na para sa future mo para ko na tuloy gustong bumalik sa pagkasanggol at ituwid ang bawat malamya at baluktot kong pag-iisip. Tuwing nagdadasal ako, those 3 things are on the top. Naisip ko na if I ask the Lord to cover me with morality, will I uphold it? can I be moral? Hindi na ba ako magnanasa sa kabarkada ko o mamboboso sa public CRs? So I just pray to God to please make me man, the real one and everything will follow. Siguro sa kaso ng iba, it will be a different catch, pero sa kaso ko and how experiences showed me, homosexuality conjugates immorality.
In an article I have read, the following symptoms may give parents sort of warning on what course their children will take:

1) Fear of rough and tumble play

2) Lack of same-sex playmates

3) Dislike of team sports

4) Doll play

5) Cross dressing or interest in women's clothes or shoes

6) Effeminate speech or mannerism

7) Playacting in which the boy takes a feminine part.

8) Frequent statements that he wants to be a girl or is a girl

Out of the 8, I had 2 symptoms. infrequent playtime with same sex and dislike of team sports. Who is to blame? Parents may take a part. If they were able to see those symptoms, an action should be done to halt the progress. Siguro ung father ko kasi hindi masyadong naging malapit sa akin. Noong bata pa ako, I asked my father to build a basketball ring. He did, but he did not play with me not even once. Actually development of homosexuality is a multifactorial and needs different parameters to diagnose and to prevent. http://fathersforlife.org/dale/preventi.html

Tingin ko nga ang pagiging ganito ay hindi nangyayari sa isang gabi. Isang proseso ito kaya kapag napabayaan mahirap nang-agapan. Sa iba, tinatanggap ito at kung iyon ang tingin nilang makabubiti sa kanila ay siguro nga tanggapin na nga lang ito. Pero para sa akin, patuloy pa rin akong hahanap nang lunas dahil doon lang ako magiging ganap. Gusto ko rin minsan itext mga kabarkada ko na: "Mga tol kakasal na ko," o "Ninong ninang kayo sa binyag ng anak ko ha?" Tutal sa kahit anong sakit na nakita ko sa hospital bilang doktor, may karamdaman o sakit na nalulunasan o kaya'y na-kokontrol at may naiiwasan.

Kelan Ka Unang Naglaro ng Putotoy Mo?

Kelan ka unang naglaro ng putotoy mo?

Ako, grade 3 pa lang ako natuto na ako. Nagsimula ito ng isang araw mahuli ko ang kuya ko habang hawak hawak niya si Gaston. Dati kasi nag-shashare  lang kami ng kuya ko ng kwarto.. Nung bigla ko siyang maabutang naglalaro, agad niyang ipinasok sa shorts niya yung ari niya. Sa akin, parang wala lang yun kasi normal naman sa akin kahit nung mas maliit pa lang ako na hawakan at patigasin  ang ari ko. Pero kay kuya, malamang iba ang pakahulugan ng ginagawa niya nung mga oras na yun. Sa kahiyaan na marahil, sabi niya yun daw ung ginagawa ng mga mga lalaki. Kaya naman sabi niya dapat matutunan ko rin daw un. Nung araw ding iyun, itinuro niya ang sining ng pagdydyakul.

Mula nung matutunan ko iyon halos lamunin ang kabataan ko nag kung anu-anong kaisipang sekswal. Siguro tulad ng maraming maagang nagsimula, habang tumatagal ang dating malapot na kulay tubig lang na tamud ay napalitan na ng malapot na kulay gatas na katas. Ang eksplenasyon, kapag ang isang lalaki kasi ay hindi pa nakakagawa ng mature sperm cells kasama ang medyo madilaw na ginagawa ng prostate, hindi pa siya nilalabasan ng semen, kaya kulay tubig pa lang ito na gawa ng bulbourethral gland. Tanda ko pa ng una ako labasan ng tamud na kulay gatas na hindi ko alam kung kanino isasanguni. Totoo na kapag bata pa, mataas ang lebel ng testosterone na nagdudulot ng isipin at gawaing sekswal sa lalaki. Kapag walang pasok, hindi ko maisip na nakakapito akong magkakasunod na pagsasalsal na minuto lang ang pagitan. Halos patak-patak na lang ang lumalabas sa dulo na may hapdi na. Sa tindi ng drive ko, nung elementary,  tuwing sabado, kapag pinapupunta kami sa iskul para magparktis o gamawa ng project, maaga lagi akong dumadating. Minsan sa inip sa kakahintay sa mga kasamahan ko, dinadapuan ako ng libog at naglalaro ako ng ari ko. Sarap na sarap ako na ginagawa ito sa may bintana kasi wala naman makakakita kasi ala namang pasok. Tapos sa armchair ko pinapuputok. Isang beses medyo namutla ako kasi aksidenteng nahawakan ng kaklase kong lalaki ung tamud ko sa upuan. Inamoy niya iyon pero siguro dahil wala pa siyang alm sa mga ganung bagay, ipinunas na lng niya sa damit niya na parang sipon. Ito pa ang mga Handjob moments ko (sarap lang isipin):

          -sa CR..habang nglelecture sa Hekasi, dahil hapon, nkaka-antok..tumikas ang titi ko..at ngpa-excuse                     para mgdyakul

          -sa tent nung boyscout camping..grade 5..sa binti ng katabi ko tumalsik

          -sa likod ng blackboard habang recess nung grade 6

         -sa likod ng stage sa PE namin

         -sa tricycle..habang naghihintay ng sundo

         -sa isang park sa may palengke..sa likod ng puno

         -jamming session kasama ng mga lalaki kong kaklase, habang nanunuod ng VHS na porn sa bahay namin. Sa lakas ng trip pinagsama-sama namin  sa isan shot glass ung tamud nmen na halos lumampas sa kalahati. Mga 6 kami nung sira ulong malilibog.

          -sa kwarto ng kabarkada ko habang natutulog siya

         -sa classroom, uwian na at kami ang cleaners nun. Naunang umuwi ung 3 naming ka-group na babae. Bago kami umuwi nung kasama ko, nagpaunahan kami na labasan..cyempre panalo ako. 

         -sa quarter namin nung fieldtrip. Ung una ako lang, dahil nahuli ako, sumabay na rin ung nakahuli..

         -nung college, sa CR din..mahirap nang mahuli..kya CR ang pinaka-safe pagnalibugan..

        -nung magstart na akong magduty sa hospital, sa OR quarter..pinaka tago kasi dun sa may sabitan ng mga damit. Nang lalabasan na ako, tumalsik dun sa scrub suit ng isang student nurse. Akala ko matutuyo agad. Pagbalik nila, magpapalit na sila ng damit para sa OR..napansin niya ung talsik sa damit niya..inamoy niya at napamura..inasar pa siya ng mga kasama niya na sumisimple pa daw siya..

        -pinakahuli  sa CR sa gym..

 Napansin ko na kung susumahin, baka libong beses ko nang ginawa ito. Pero ang dalas ay nababawasan, dahil marahil sa ibang bagay na ako naka-focus ngaun at may iba pang paraan para mag-release ng libog.. 

Ripped

About 5 months ago, my friend invited me in a gym in Mandaluyong City. Working out has been my dream and the same time my leading frustration since my college days and worsen during my Med school. I even remember editing a picture of a Bench model putting my head to his ripped trunk. It was funny and pathetic too.

Now, hitting the gym for 5 months of 3 sessions per week of at least an hour per visit seem to gratify my elusive desire...little by little. Shape for me is the most priority rather than acquiring those boulders. But getting into shape needs building as well: more reps than weights. During the first four months, treadmill slashed most of my belly but not much as I wanted. Love handles proves that smashing off fat deposits is not as easy as building up biceps. Yet running cut almost 10 kilos from my weight in just 3 months dumping me to a low BMI. My gym buddy's advice was to take more protein for building and do more running. As for protein, it will resuscitate your muscle from breakdown during workouts. Whey protein of 2lbs costs 1,500 pesos ( may tawad na un) in Greenhills and that will be consumed in 2 weeks. Aside from that, protein-rich foods like canned tuna (FYI: Century has higher protein per serving than San Marino. Afterall, Piolo's is way better than Dingdong) and heavy home-made chicken  spread helped me a lot. Purchasing low calorie foods may not be that demanding but for a low BMI, increasing mass from muscle building will give more benefits. Now, I need to concentrate more on trimming this stubborn love handles.

Anes na Panis

  In the OR, there are few people that you must get along with. And the Anesthesiologists would be the first in the list. Yesterday after a meticulous neck surgery, I was left by other surgeons after closing the incision to dress the cut. I told the student nurse to please find me a micropore (tape). I was a little bit in a hurry because it was about 3:30 in the afternoon and still I have to proced to OPD to help my co-doctors. So I find the micropore myself. Actually, most of the time anes have that thing and we just get one whether it is on their table or not but this time the anes in our room didn't have it so I have to check the other OR room. I found it in small table next to anes machine. When I saw it, I got it and when I was about to leave, she (isang epal na anes resident) sarcastically said,"d ka ba magpapaalam?" I was quit surprised by what she said because we don't usually ask permission when taking such petty micropore which is a hospital property and not a personal thing. I was thought that she had the best attitude among them and it was not a good pre-judgement. Maybe if she felt insulted, she can say it nicely and I can accept that. In the hospital,doctors protect each other asses as other staffs do. And maybe if she had all the success in life that can license her to be a pseudo perfect resident, pwede pa.  Feeling magaling!!!!

feeling magaling na anes..i2 para sa iyo!!!

Day 7 of Surgery. The amazing part is almost starting to scare me out. People seem to have their own ways of getting to trouble. Bystanders confronting my desk to show their contusions and hematomas stating their case as if I am a police officer. Wives are bitten and drunk men hit with PBCs. As a surgeon, and maybe as a doctor, I have to attend to their misfortunes. But as compared to other allied MDs, we are indeed have the least patience. And I am working on it. But earlier, I had the chance to prove myself that my inclination to change is not easy as changing condoms. The number of the patients consulted at the OPD was outstanding. And it was not something to enjoy as a surgeon seeking for skills to furnish. Quality in small quantity is still better to achieve than quantity  receiving the least quality. As I stated to my ego, to change is a choice, but choosing to reconstruct a part that is built from the childhood's despair is like pulling a stone carefully under a tower of blocks. To save lives is not easy. It is a choice to help and a chance to be God's servant.

New Me in New Year

Bukas sasabak na naman ako sa aksyon sa ER. Nakakatamad kasi puyatan na naman ng isama pa ang mga pasyente wala nang ginawa kundi magpatubo ng sakit sa katawan. Ang iba naman ay wala lang magawa sa bahay nila at gusto lang makipagkwentuhan sa doktor at sa ER pa pumunta. Madalas talaga akong magalit sa pasyente lalo na kung malalim na ang gabi o kapag sikat na ang araw e hindi pa ako nakakain. Swerte lang nila kapag hindi ako duty sa hospital.

Isa sa mga bagay na gusto kong baguhin ang pagiging bugnutin ko. Siguro ito ung pinakamahirap na gagawin ko. At least un pagwoworkout medyo nagiging consistent na ako. Sana lang maraming magpa-ECG na pasyente ngayon..ung mga hot mamas. Kadalasan kasi mga lola na halos ayaw nang dumikit ang chest leads namin sa sobarang sag ng balat.