Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Bakla Bakla, Paano ka Nagawa?

To tell you guys frankly, I can't tell to myself that I am a bisexual, or worst to think that I am gay. But pondering on it, a sort of attraction to man and desiring even the smallest part of him that seems to be worth having makes me the former. The thing that most of people with deficiencies or incongruence want to secure is acceptance. Probably yes, to some it helps. In to what direction acceptance could send you will be subjective: to some, taking the path of being bisexual will lead you to happiness and completeness, but for me detouring to other side makes me whole and gratified.
Marami nang silahis o bading na nagsabi na kung pamimiliin siya kung babae o lalaki ang kasarian niya kung ipapanganak uli sila, pagiging babae ang nangunguna. Ilan lang ang narinig ko na pagiging lalaki pa rin. Everyday when I lift my prayers, 3 consistent petitions are on the list: good health for me and my family, to be man, and to find the right girl for me. I  may sometimes shuffled them up, pero un pa rin ang tema. Ang pagiging tunay na lalaki sa isip at sa puso marahil ang pinakamahirap na makamit. Pero lahat naman tayo may mga bagay sa buhay na gustong makuha, ung iba suntok sa buwan, at lahat tayo natututong magdasal sa kabila nito. Kung ung iba nalulungkot dahil hindi sila matanggap ng family or sa school niya na he had that trait, ako naranasan ko na rin ang umiyak kasi pakiramdam ko kulang ang lahat nang ginagawa ko para maging ganap ang pagiging lalaki ko. some would not agree on this but I can confess because i experienced this. Tanong din ng iba: dahil  ba sa ganito ako kaya nanilip ako ng classmate ko habang umiihi, hinipuan ko ang kasama during camping, magmasturbate enjoying their nude images, o hubaran sila sa aking imahinasyon. Masarap oo nga. Iba kasi ung tama kapag kauri ung pinapantasya. Pero kapag nilabasan ka na, kapag napansin mong nawawala na sila sa iyo, kapag hindi mo na makita ang purpose mo bilang lalaki, o kapag natatakot ka na para sa future mo para ko na tuloy gustong bumalik sa pagkasanggol at ituwid ang bawat malamya at baluktot kong pag-iisip. Tuwing nagdadasal ako, those 3 things are on the top. Naisip ko na if I ask the Lord to cover me with morality, will I uphold it? can I be moral? Hindi na ba ako magnanasa sa kabarkada ko o mamboboso sa public CRs? So I just pray to God to please make me man, the real one and everything will follow. Siguro sa kaso ng iba, it will be a different catch, pero sa kaso ko and how experiences showed me, homosexuality conjugates immorality.
In an article I have read, the following symptoms may give parents sort of warning on what course their children will take:

5) Cross dressing or interest in women's clothes or shoes
Out of the 8, I had 2 symptoms. infrequent playtime with same sex and dislike of team sports. Who is to blame? Parents may take a part. If they were able to see those symptoms, an action should be done to halt the progress. Siguro ung father ko kasi hindi masyadong naging malapit sa akin. Noong bata pa ako, I asked my father to build a basketball ring. He did, but he did not play with me not even once. Actually development of homosexuality is a multifactorial and needs different parameters to diagnose and to prevent. http://fathersforlife.org/dale/preventi.html
Tingin ko nga ang pagiging ganito ay hindi nangyayari sa isang gabi. Isang proseso ito kaya kapag napabayaan mahirap nang-agapan. Sa iba, tinatanggap ito at kung iyon ang tingin nilang makabubiti sa kanila ay siguro nga tanggapin na nga lang ito. Pero para sa akin, patuloy pa rin akong hahanap nang lunas dahil doon lang ako magiging ganap. Gusto ko rin minsan itext mga kabarkada ko na: "Mga tol kakasal na ko," o "Ninong ninang kayo sa binyag ng anak ko ha?" Tutal sa kahit anong sakit na nakita ko sa hospital bilang doktor, may karamdaman o sakit na nalulunasan o kaya'y na-kokontrol at may naiiwasan.

8 comments:

  1. we all seek explanation to our situation. Sometimes, we get to find the answers. Sometimes not. If we can get the answers, we would be better guided by our actions.

    Thanks for sharing those links...I get to understand myself better.

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  2. welcome dude..we all need that..to understand and to find ways..

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  3. Doc, kahit ako gulo pa utak ko..,

    and honestly at dis age, gusto ko me anak na ko at asawa...

    pero di pde eh hehehe... hirap ng buhay

    at symptoms numer two lang ako.. >_<

    PS:ang dasal ko lng ngayon muna eh pumasa ng BOARD! :)

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  4. @pongpong: mahirap tlaga pre..kayanin nating mgbago for good..Godbless pla sa boards! anung course pla?

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  5. Sana nga magsucceed ka Doc.

    Many have already tried but a lot have failed.

    Sometimes kasi mas malakas ang tawag ng laman kesa sa moralidad ng tao. Lalo na dito sa Pinas, magkakindatan lang, sex na ang kasunod.

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  6. in a forum that i hav visited, one of the correspondents mentioned that to talk to a person with same problem and share insights about this matter can help in resolving certain issues on how to fight the feeling of being gay..so those who are willing to change and want help other people to coquer this pls email me at md2mysterious@yahoo.com (pakiusap po ung willing lang magbago)..hope this will work (crossfinger)

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  7. wala akong nakuha out of the 8. yung number 1 kasi hindi naman ako takot sa rough and tumble play. ayoko lang ng pawis. choz!

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  8. doc ayus lang yan. Hindi ka naman nag iisa eh. Ako nung bata pa ko nguguluhan din ako kung anu ba talaga ako. Lagi nila akong tinatawag na bading etc pero sa twing maririnig ko yun naiinis ako sa sarili ko kaya pinilit ko maging straight sa kilos, sa salita at sa gawa.

    Akala ko ok na ko pero hindi pa rin matanggal yung libog at attraction na nararamdaman ko sa guys. Hays.

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